to my co-workers

C'mon. Why are you reading this? Ask yourself that. Because I'm almost positive you're reading it for malevolent reasons.

Since word of this site got out at work, there's a palpable change in the mood of the newsroom in regards to me. A feeling like I've been written off or, at best, re-considered. I've noticed inexplicable smirks and colder attitudes from those who at least, at one time, attempted warmth.

This stuff is my writing. It's the parts of myself that I don't even take to work, much less display. The sketchy, tender shit I write about myself is not meant to effect my professional life.

"But it's right there on the internet, anyone can look at it," said one crotchety old news guy, who, since finding my journal on the web, has taunted me, "It's stupid to think that no one would find out."

This was his defense when I asked him not to talk about it to others, or at least not sarcastically yell to me across the newsroom, "Go back to work on your journal. Don't you have any more COMMONPLACE thoughts?" as he did three days ago.

The 'anyone can find it' argument is a straw-man argument: this site is not registered with any engines, my name isn't on the site, our place of business is kept out. You can go to any search engine and directly type in, "Commonplace - An On-line Journal," and you will find nothing. You found this site because someone else in the newsroom told you about it.

But you should not be the one to pass it on to our co-workers.

The other day I ended up sitting across from my boss, explaining a stack of papers, printouts from this site with my more questionable words highlighted. "Some anonymous person who works in another bureau sent then over," said my boss.

I have a big, unrefined mouth. So, I concede that I'm glad this all happened before I got myself into real trouble. I needed a little slap to remind me to take my job more seriously. I have learned as much in my time in the newsroom as I did in five years of college and I'd hate to be fired. But it's still fucked up that someone at my own job would rat me out.

Since then, many reporters have been reading COMMONPLACE. And I didn't want that to happen because I didn't want to feel self-conscious when I write here. I know how all this exhibitionism and drama and trauma comes off to the reporters, who are generally straight-laced, if not prudish. Oddly enough, reporters, for all their pursuit of objectivity, are, outside of work, some of the most personally conservative people I've encountered. It's obvious why I wouldn't want reporters reading this site.

This project, however flawed, means a lot to me. In the last five months since I've been writing here, I have learned to express myself. That is a huge personal accomplishment. It frees my soul. As unsatisfied as I've ever been in my life; my newfound love of writing liberates me, it exhilarates me. I get so much out of it. Writing on this site for me, right now, feels as if I finally met the perfect girl and I there's a chance my life might turn out better than I first assumed. It is fucking vital.

About 100 people read this site per day (I steal people's email lists and send out my URL): people I don't know write me letters saying they relate, thanking me for making them laugh. Even other journalists and editors of magazines, people you respect, read and enjoy these writings.

And the thought of you using this site to form some negative qualitative judgement of me, the thought of being laughed at behind my back at work, or regarded by my co-workers as somehow deficient because I kook out on the page, ruins this site for me.

I still manage to keep my main focus on creativity when everyone says, "I grew out of it. You will to." Your judgement adds to that negative pressure.

If you enjoy the writing, then by all means read. Though I can't imagine that being the case. If you get more out of peeking in here and judging me, then I get from using this site to turn the confusing parts of my life into something worthwhile for myself and others, then read. But know that the self-consciousness is taking something very important away from me.

I am moving to California in four months. I got a part-time job at an HPR to supplement the cost of moving. I'm serious. I'm going. So, for the next few months ignore this site. Do not tell other people at work to look at it. Do not discuss it. And above all, do not copy this and post it on the corkboard in the back by the job listings.

If you have any respect for me at all, and you should, leave it be.

leave it be,

Your Co-Worker in the front of the newsroom.

PS> I am also publishing a book before I leave (some great authors involved as well as some respected journalists) and pressing a CD. Between the paper, HPR and all that, I will have hardly any time to write here.