Currently, I'm back in Tampa, where technology
allows me to bring this story to you from the back seat
of my friend Sean's car. An hour ago I was sitting back
here with water and shit on my shorts. I hadn't worn them
before today. And I hadn't been in Sean's car for months.
The two elements; clean leather interior, and soiled shorts,
met under the worst of circumstance.
After the accident, which occurred in Best
Buy on Dale Mabry Highway, I finally found Crispen and
Sean in the Bust Buy parking lot chilling in the dark-windowed
Maxima, and Sean of course, pulled away as I neared the
car; the oldest joke. I didn't falter, following the slow
moving vehicle, scowling in wet shorts, and grabbing for
the door handle, which Sean eventually let me have.
I opened the door and popped my head in.
"Dude, do you have something I can sit down on?"
"What'd, you piss your pants?"
"Worse than that…Do you have something
I can sit down on?"
"There's that copy of the Weekly Planet."
Crispen said, pointing to the paper on the floor.
"I cleaned most of it off." I said, referring
to my shorts as I spread out the Planet and sat down,
unconcerned about getting ink on my brand new shorts.
Sean drove on.
"So, here's a good story here." I began.
"First of all, Fuck Best Buy FOREVER: this is all their
fault!
"What dude? Tell us." Crispen said from
the front seat.
I thought for a minute, trying to figure
out what to say. "Well," I began slowly. "I had to go
really bad and so I ran in and sat down on the toilet
without looking."
This was the first lie.
"I had a messy shit myself," I said. "But
when I looked down there was someone else's shit
all over the front of the toilet, and I got it all over
my shorts."
I believed it hearing it come from my mouth.
"Why didn't you just look down?" Crispen
asked from the passenger front seat.
"I had to go…I just wasn't paying attention."
Sean had put down the windows, in case
I stank. There was only the sound of wind and The Weekly
Planet newsprint flapping in it under my damp ass, until
Sean cranked Missy Elliot on his stereo, and I continued
over the loud music.
"I was pissed enough about that, but then
when I go to wipe, there's no fucking toilet paper!" This
was true, as was the next part: "So, I duck my head under
the stall to see if there are other feet under there -
if there are others in the bathroom with me. And there
aren't, so I slip off my shorts and creep out the stall
door with my shorts in my hand, naked except for a T-shirt.
"And as I'm creeping into the next stall,
my shorts are dripping piss and shit onto the floor, horrible,
little brown drops everywhere, so, as quick as I can,
I sit down in the next stall, AND THERE'S NO FUCKING TOILET
PAPER IN THERE EITHER!"
Silence from the front seat of Sean's car.
"With my shorts dripping fucking shit all
over the floor I duck out again, naked into the third
stall, the last one, and BAM! No fucking toilet paper
there either, and when I walk out to the main sink, no
paper towels, they have one of those hand dryers!
"So, I just rinsed all the shit off them
in the main sink, and as I'm doing it I hear the front
door of the bathroom rattling - someone coming in - so,
I duck back into the stall real quick again. There's shit
dripped everywhere, and I didn't want anyone attributing
it to me so I stood up on the toilet seat, so my feet
couldn't be seen
"So, I'm standing up there on the toilet
in just my T-shirt, and shit on my legs, and I hear the
guy come in the bathroom and groan, "Maaaaaaaaaan! Gross!"
And I had to stand there on the toilet bowl waiting for
him to leave, so I could crawl down and finish cleaning
the shit off my shorts.
"When I was done with that," I told them,
the loud wind obscuring my words from the back seat, "I
had to walk out into Best Buy, looking like I pissed myself,
my face all red, everyone staring at me; the people
in line, the people in the CD aisle, and all the people
who work at Best Buy, one of whom will definitely
remember my pissed off face running out the door, when
they have to clean up that crazy shit mess. But I guess
they deserve it anyway, since they were too lazy to go
put toilet paper in the bathroom."
Crispen turned around from the front seat
and without a smile he said, "Welcome back to Tampa, ol'
Mike."